Today is one of those "bad" days that are coming far to frequently over the last year or so. Today I am praying for strength. About 2 years ago I told my neurologist that I needed something for the pain in my left arm. I was to the point that blowing my brains out was about the only thing I could think of doing. That is when I started the neurotin. What a god send. Well the pain is back. So today I am praying for strength. Just make it a few more weeks until your appointment. That is where the first part of my title comes from. Day by day. But now I am adding hour by hour and minute by minute. Pain is enough to make a person go out of their mind. It can drive someone to their knees without any effort at all. And the funny thing is that we all know that. But do we stop and try to relate with that when someone else is in pain? Do we try to remember how we felt that last time we had pain? This is a vent post for the most part. And maybe a little food for thought so to speak.

Tristan

Tristan is my oldest Grandson and my first Grandchild. He started the whole competition between my Grandkids to see who could make their entrance into this world the most difficult. They told my daughter Ashlei he was coming out feet first and they would have to do a C-Section. Now mind you this was her biggest fear during the pregnancy. For whatever reason this scared her the most. But like a true trooper she endured and brought that little man into this world. First he was wrapped all in his umbilical cord and they had to untwist him. Just like a hurricane he entered and is still blowing a strong wind. He is the smartest, happiest child I have seen in a long time. At the time I thought his birth story was big, but the other 2 wanted to prove Grama wrong. And they did. Tristan is my little sneak. They moved in across the way from me and he would sneak out and come see Grama. Now mind you I would always tell him that he had to tell Mommy and Daddy. But he would always add something. One time he put his Dad's shoes on and started to head over. Because Grama told him he had to have shoes on. One time he came in just his diaper and shirt. So the next time when I asked did you tell Mommy and Daddy, knowing full well he did not. He simply stated "Well I have pants and shoes on". The light in my life. The oldest. The First. What a reputation to live up to. Not only is he all of that. He is also big brother to a disabled brother. And he does that job well. Protector to the end. I am proud of him in too many ways to even state. He has pulled his little brother along. I truly believe he has helped Keegan come as far as he has. Just by being himself. The loving happy kid he is. And I thank God that his story is now boring. I had the same familiar look to the sky with him. But that has faded some in the memories.

Keegan

This is my Grandson. Keebug as I like to call him. Keegiebug as everyone else likes to call him. Our family miracle all in himself. Christmas now has an all new meaning to me. It is the day my daughter Ashlei began the hardest journey in her life. Now Ashlei has come by her strength honestly. She has had her demons and battles. Fought, Won and Prevailed. But this journey would bring out true strength. Motherhood defined in it's best term. Helplessness to the fullest extent. As they put my daughter on the gurney to take her to Grand Rapids MI an hour and a half away because Keegan if born would be 3 months early, once again my mind screamed. (a fact I am certain Ashlei has no clue) And once again I looked to the sky and asked "Lord, how much"? At first they thought Ashlei could go ahead with the pregnancy. But within a few hours they determined that was not the case. They were going to have to do an emergency c-section. Here I sit an hour and a half from my daughter as my father and her Husband Matthew raced in the truck to try to get to her on time. Once again in my mind screaming and the all too familiar look to the sky. Keegan was born on December 26th 3 months early. Not only did he have the normal preemie baby obstacles to face but to add to the burden he also had a part in his brain that was bleeding. That is when the waiting began. The unknown once again. His little head began to swell. And that is when a new medical term touched this family. Hydrocephalus. And once again I said "Huh". It is when the brain does not absorb the brain fluid like it is supposed to. So once again the familiar look to the sky. I only got to go to the hospital once to see my grandson. As I stood there looking at him, thinking that is the smallest human I have ever seen, I also beamed with a pride in my life I had never known. He was surviving. He was fighting. He had made strides they did not expect him to make. He was not supposed to learn to suck from a bottle. He had so much scarring in his brain from the bleed he probably would not be able to sit up, walk or be in societies standard "normal". But by god he was sucking on that bottle. Little did I know the pride that was yet to develop. He had a temporary shunt placed in his brain to drain the liquid. And at 11 weeks old, he got to come home!! YEAH!! Much earlier than expected. And the pride grew. Not only for my Grandson but also for my daughter. Here was a young woman who had faced so much in her short life already. But now facing the challenge of motherhood with a disabled baby. Who was facing it strong yet screaming in her mind. But doing it standing tall. Keegan had to go back into the hospital to have the permanent shunt placed in his brain later. The doctors and nurses at the hospital deserve all the praise and gratitude this family could give them. Even more than we are capable of giving. They did a wonderful job with him. But he deserves all the credit. He is now going to be 2 this December 26th. He is standing on his own!! Not yet walking but getting there. I saw him and his brother at my daughter Tareh's house this last weekend. And as I watched my Grandson stand on his own and I clapped while yelling YEAH, I once again beamed. Once again thanked God because we came too close to losing him. I rejoiced in the fact that in God's plan he is giving my Grandson the ability to stand on his own. Which most of us take for granted. The ability to function. Which again most of us take for granted. Yes I have MS. Yes I have strength. But Keegan, you are Grandma's Hero. You are my inspiration to fight. Because even I have no idea what true strength and fight are. Your Grandma is so proud of you. 

Sophie

That would be my Granddaughter. Spitfire, to say the least. I watched her this morning for Tareh and Aaron while they went shopping. As I watch her, I see Tareh all over again. She is so much like her mother in so many ways. Independent to say the least. Strong willed again to say the least. I could go on and on. But then again in this family who would expect any different. She comes from a short line of strong independent women. But a long line of stubbornness. That quality she comes by honestly. She came into this world with the fury equal to that of a hurricane. For whatever unknown reason she was in distress. In fact the nurse screamed over her phone everyone get in here now I am losing this baby. As I stood there watching my daughter go through the hardest thing in her short life she has ever faced my mind screamed. Now I know we are never given more than we can handle. I know God has a plan. He has reason though we may never understand it. But at the same time I look to the sky and ask Lord how much more. Why is it all 3 of my grand kids have to try to outdo each other and make their entry into this world difficult. Tristan and Keegan also have their own stories, which I will tell. I can face anything that happens to me full frontal with strength. But when it comes to my kids it is all a front. I always break down later. You have to be strong for them while quietly hiding the fact that inside your mind you scream. The fact is you can do nothing. Watch and pray, but in reality nothing to actually help them. And now at the same time my granddaughter is involved in this helplessness. The unknown once again. Now a year later I look back and thank God once again for pulling us through. For bringing us here. And for yet again another life lesson. Hold onto the good. Rejoice in it. Even though you forget about all of the good until something bad happens usually. It is the human way. But every single time I see my Granddaughter I also think about how lucky we truly are to have her. We came to close to losing her before we even knew her.

Strength

That is a word that is used in so many different ways. There are people all around me that say I have an amazing amount of strength. Some, actually a lot of people have said I am cold. That is where my MS has defined me in some ways. I have had to learn how to be strong. Some of my strength came from my family. I had to be strong to survive the favoritism. Some of my strength came from being a single mother to 3. But most of my strength came from my MS. Not knowing day by day how you are going to feel. Even hour by hour. Minute by minute. You have to learn to be strong. To weather the biggest storms. And even after a while you become numb. Not knowing ever what is going to happen to you. Most people do not even think about this. Or appreciate this. You can't appreciate something that you have not experienced. To have a disease that the doctors could tell you what is going to happen. Sometimes I think that would be a blessing. There is so much that is not understood or known about MS. They can tell you  that you will have pain. That is about the only thing they can say for sure. But they have no idea which areas it is going to affect. Or even to what extent. The unknown can harden a person to some extent. But at the same token it has also taught me that in life you can not have the good without the bad. The bad makes you appreciate the good so much more. Yesterday on Thanksgiving I thanked God for 2 things. 1 - That after 19 years being diagnosed with MS I am still walking. Barely, but I am. 2 - My family I love you all with all of my soul. We will see what I am thankful for next year. But even though I am strong, my inspiration is now something new. My grandson Keegan. He was born 3 months early. With a bleed in his brain which gave him severe scarring. He was not even supposed to be able to learn to suck from a bottle. He had to have a permanent shunt in his brain to drain the liquid that our brains normally absorb. He was not supposed to be able to walk, move normally or pretty much be "normal" by our standards. But by the grace of god and I believe sheer strength, HE IS DOING IT ALL!! Keebug Grama loves you and I am so incredibly proud of you. You will never know how you have inspired me. To become a better person. To be stronger. And to realize that life throws you curves you just have to find your way around them.

Where to start? I guess a little background information maybe. I was the ripe old age of 23 years old when the right side of my body went numb. It was by the end of one week, numb and paralyzed. Then the medical term Multiple Schlerosis was first introduced to me. You hear a big phrase like that at a young age and you think "Huh". I was a young mother of 2 beautiful girls. Ages 3 and 1. How do you even comprehend something so big when you are just starting out in life? Well I didn't. Back then they had very few medications to offer. They really didn't know too much about it. And then the numbness went away. I could move the right side of my body again. And I thought well, maybe it was just a one time thing. I felt good. A little tired, and I became tired a little easier. But hey I chased 2 young girls every day. Had I only known what I would be facing. Now at this point, no my MS did not define me. That took time. I guess if I can say one good thing about having MS it is that it has made me stronger. It has taught me so many life lessons. And since there isn't too much good that can be said, I try to hold onto that. Now I am not going to make this blog all about MS. That would get pretty boring. But that kind of explains the title. Because I really believe without MS I would not be who I am today. So lets jump to present day. I have 3 kids. My oldest daughter Ashlei who turned 22 this year. My youngest daughter Tareh who is turning 20 this year. And my son J who will be 18 in Feb of 2011. I have 3 grandchildren with 1 more on the way in December. Wow when you put that all on paper it really tends to make a person feel old LOL. Where have all of the years gone? I am going to try to add something every day. With my MS I just never know how I am going to feel. Please feel free to post as I go. Chit chat or whatever. Well maybe not whatever please I hear enough bickering at home from the kids LOL.